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I should explain the preamble: This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my cousin in
Good Morning Hawaii, probably more like
Good afternoon, if your postal workers are anything like ours. But, hey we dont
complain, we love our postal workers (can you move the gun Bob, Im getting a
I am taking a short break, from righting my College Essays
they be good. Here are some tips from a grizzled veteran of the University Wars.
- Have something catastrophic happen. You need something major to
change your life. That is THE topic for every College Essays (CEs). If you have
something startling, groundbreaking, politically-correct, occurrence that changed your
life use it. The key phrase to remember in this is "based on a true story." Hey,
it works for the networks it should work for CEs.
- Build an AIDS hospital. Begin this ASAP. Maybe blend 1 and 2
together, fall off the scaffolding of the hospital, and refuse treatment until the
homeless children ward is open.
- Start your life as a bigot, racist. Then have a conversation with
someone that "changes" your whole point of view. This works also for #1. This
will be the other major topic.
- Plan your life right now. Decide today what your life will be,
will you stay for masters, Ph.D., become a doctor or lawyer, DECIDE TODAY, and stay with
it. The Colleges expect you to tell the future, and indecision is a big negative, it shows
you are not decisive and therefore not the caliber of student they are looking for.
- Become the GOD of your school. Play every sport, participate in
every academic/athletic/social event possible. Its called the Resume, pack it
like you are leaving your house for a 6 month vacation.
- If the University sends you a packet full of information, and a
little "Reply if you want more information" card, promptly pull out you pen, and
quickly stab the card to pieces, then burn it and distribute its ashes throughout the
neighborhood. I did not do this and paid the price. DO NOT just leave the card around,
because it has a micro-homing device that will fly itself back home after a few days in
you house. It also uses stealth technology, so you think it just disappears. I know they
do this, because I am still getting "more information" (with sickly cheerful
letters saying "Thank you for showing interest in Americas #1 college for the
Meat Industry as voted by Meat Packing Monthly") from brilliant Institutions of
Academia, Like Grinnel College ("only 3 and a half hours from three Major
metropolitan centers: Des Moines, Sioux City and Omaha"), Central Oregon State (Come
to us C.O.S. were the best, (Im not Kidding)), and Northeast Wisconsin College
("an eclectic mix of classical Wisconsin Architecture") .