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I should explain the preamble: This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my cousin in Hawaii.

Good Morning Hawaii, probably more like Good afternoon, if your postal workers are anything like ours. But, hey we don’t complain, we love our postal workers (can you move the gun Bob, I’m getting a headache)

1. Have something catastrophic happen. You need something major to change your life. That is THE topic for every College Essays (CEs). If you have something startling, groundbreaking, politically-correct, occurrence that changed your life use it. The key phrase to remember in this is "based on a true story." Hey, it works for the networks it should work for CEs.
2. Build an AIDS hospital. Begin this ASAP. Maybe blend 1 and 2 together, fall off the scaffolding of the hospital, and refuse treatment until the homeless children ward is open.
3. Start your life as a bigot, racist. Then have a conversation with someone that "changes" your whole point of view. This works also for #1. This will be the other major topic.
4. Plan your life right now. Decide today what your life will be, will you stay for masters, Ph.D., become a doctor or lawyer, DECIDE TODAY, and stay with it. The Colleges expect you to tell the future, and indecision is a big negative, it shows you are not decisive and therefore not the caliber of student they are looking for.
5. Become the GOD of your school. Play every sport, participate in every academic/athletic/social event possible. It’s called the Resume’, pack it like you are leaving your house for a 6 month vacation.
6. If the University sends you a packet full of information, and a little "Reply if you want more information" card, promptly pull out you pen, and quickly stab the card to pieces, then burn it and distribute its ashes throughout the neighborhood. I did not do this and paid the price. DO NOT just leave the card around, because it has a micro-homing device that will fly itself back home after a few days in you house. It also uses stealth technology, so you think it just disappears. I know they do this, because I am still getting "more information" (with sickly cheerful letters saying "Thank you for showing interest in America’s #1 college for the Meat Industry as voted by Meat Packing Monthly") from brilliant Institutions of Academia, Like Grinnel College ("only 3 and a half hours from three Major metropolitan centers: Des Moines, Sioux City and Omaha"), Central Oregon State (Come to us C.O.S. we’re the best, (I’m not Kidding)), and Northeast Wisconsin College ("an eclectic mix of classical Wisconsin Architecture") .